Forgotten
by nic73
Summary: Jane forgets and Lisbon tries to help him remember
1. Chapter 1

She enters the hospital room and plants a cheery smile on her face hiding the pain she feels at the blank look she receives from her husband. It's the same blank look she's been receiving the past two weeks since he was shot in the head. She keeps telling herself at least he's alive. The fact that he can't remember her or any of their life together, that the only wife he remembers is Angela and the only child he remembers is Charlotte. He doesn't even have any memory of Red John is something she can deal with., that they can get through.

The one thing she's thankful for is that unlike when he was in a fugue state he's not reverted back to his con man persona. But he's not her husband either. His face is dull or filled with confusion as he struggles to understand what's happened. The wife and child he remembers is dead and the one in front of him he can't remember or feel any connection too. She's told him about their three-year old son and eighteen moth old daughter but she hasn't brought them in to see him yet. The doctors feel that it would be too hard for him and the children. She has in her hands the next best thing, a laptop and a memory stick filled with videos of their family.

As she moves towards him he remembers he's suppose to be trying and he smiles at her, it doesn't reach his eyes.

"Hi"

"Hi, how're you feeling?"

"I'm doing okay, my headache isn't as bad today."

"That's good."

She leans over and they share a kiss on the lips. She kisses him, one, because she misses his kisses and two, she hopes that maybe something will jog his memory. The feel of her lips on his, the smell of her perfume, anything.

"I've brought something that might help."

She doesn't have to explain help what. He looks at her, this woman who's apparently his wife. She looks completely different to Angela. Angela is…was tall, graceful, she worshipped him. The woman before him is short and moves with purpose, although she hasn't said, he guesses she's in law enforcement, use to being the boss. Totally not the type of person he would fall in love with. Patrick Jane married to a cop is laughable. She's pretty though and there's something about her eyes, an endearing intensity. It's obvious she's in love with him and despite the awkwardness of the situation he can tell she's comfortable with him and that there's an intimacy in her relationship with him. And they have children. How can he not know he has children, surely he would feel a loss inside himself. But why would she lie? And others say it to, more people he doesn't know, doesn't remember, more cops.

She opens the laptop, he watches as she puts a stick into the side and presses some keys. When it seems it's ready she looks at him. She's uncomfortable, nervous about what she's about to say.

"I've brought some videos of us. me, you and the children. They're of our wedding and as the children were born and have grown. Family outings, birthdays, Christmas, and just family time."

She looks at him to gauge what he's thinking but his face shows nothing. She carries on.

"I…I…thought that watching them would prove to you that I've been telling the truth and, hopefully, they may jog your memory, spark something."

She doesn't add:

"And bring you back to us, to me."

He slowly blinks at her.

"Okay."

She smiles and places the laptop on his knees and explains to him what he needs to do.

"I'm leaving you to watch alone, I think it will be easier for you that way, you won't feel under pressure."

But doesn't add:

"And I won't have to watch them mean nothing to you."

She smiles, picks up her bag, kisses him once more and leaves, she stops at the door and turns to look at him. He smiles, he hopes, reassuringly at her and then she's gone.

He stares at the laptop for ten minutes the clock in the bottom corner tells him, before he moves his fingers and presses play on the one entitled 'wedding'

He pushes play on the one marked 'Maddy's first birthday. It's the thirteenth video he's watched. The same girl with the blonde curls fills the screen, she's sitting on his lap, bouncing up and down, clapping her hands. Austin, a little boy with brown straight hair and a captivating smile comes in to view with a parcel wrapped in birthday paper and he hands it to Maddy, She grabs it clumsily in her hands and turns it over and over. She starts banging it on his knee while his wife, behind the camera, encourages her to open it. Austin has been patient long enough and decides to help things along. He can't help but smile as the boy starts to unwrap the present while in his sister's hand. Maddy watches fascinated and tries to grab the paper as Austin pulls it off.

He stops the video and leans back in to his pillows. He has a lovely family. The love they share is obvious. They enjoy their time together, his children are adorable and he loves them deeply. His wife is the center of the family, she's a wonderful mother. She's the most important person in his life and he loves her more that life its self. All this is obvious from the videos and he knows he's a very lucky man, if only he could remember. He moves the laptop off his knees to the side of his bed and wipes the tears from his cheek, he can take no more.

**author's notes: I hope you enjoyed the little idea. Thanks for reading and review if you like, love hearing people's thoughts.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's notes: I've had the second part of this story whirling around so decided to put it down, I hope you enjoy it.**

Jane's standing by the window of his hospital room looking out at the city below but not seeing anything. His bag's packed and laying on the bed. He's wearing clothes his wife brought from home, grey chinos and a patterned button down shirt. There's a deep furrow present on his brow as he wonders what life will bring outside the safety of these four walls. The doctor says he's ready to go home, they have no reason to keep him in hospital any longer. He has an appointment card in his bag to see a psychiatrist as they work to regain the memories lost. Looking straight down he can see the parking lot, he's on the tenth floor so everything is small but somewhere down there his wife will be parking the car before coming up to take him home to a place he doesn't know and people he doesn't remember.

That's not exactly true, he does know his home. He's watched the videos, many times and used them to memorize the layout of his house and it's look and contents, so when he enters it will have a familiarity about it.

His children have visited a few times after he'd watched the videos. He'd taken note of how he reacted with them and they with him, so that he could replicate it and not scare them. It helped, he was ready when Austin raced to the bed, after his wife let go of his hand, clambered up and threw himself at him, wrapping his arms around his neck. He'd hugged him back tightly and told him that in another few years he would be as strong as his mother. His wife had choked back a sob at watching the familiar ritual, he should've told her what he'd been doing, but he never thought.

He'd watched the faint light of hope go out of her eyes when he did, when they were next alone. She'd nodded her head in understanding and told him it was a good idea and then excused herself, that she needed to use the bathroom. He wondered how many other tears she's shed because of him.

The door opens behind him and he turns around, his wife enters, she's nervous. She smiles at him.

"Are you ready?"

He looks around the room although he knows he has everything, although he knows that's not what she means. He shrugs.

"It looks like it"

She nods her head and gathers up his things. A nurse comes in with a wheelchair.

"You get to leave in style Patrick."

She looks at the both of them and smiles reassuringly.

"Good luck, I'm sure it'll all work out."

She lays her hand on his wife's arm and gives it a squeeze. He sits in the chair and he holds out his hands for the bag. He takes one last look at the room as he's wheeled out and he's aware of a knot of panic forming in his stomach.

She looks over at her husband and her heart aches at the familiar sight. His head leaning against the window, his eyes closed. His steady breathing tells her that he's asleep. She guesses he didn't sleep well last night, she knows she didn't.

After putting the children to bed she's surprised by the doorbell. She's even more surprised to open it and find Cho standing on the doorstep. She made coffee and they settled in the living room. She looked at him expectantly, He cleared his throat.

"Is Jane leaving the hospital tomorrow?"

"Yes I'm picking him up at noon. He has an appointment with his psychiatrist at ten."

"You're not going?"

She shook her head and tightened her hold on her cup, she knew Cho noticed.

"No, he requested that I didn't, he said that he needed to talk to the doctor alone. I think he finds my presence hard, he's afraid of hurting me."

"Does the doctor think his memories will return?"

She stared down at her cup for a moment, afraid to answer, but then she realised she wanted to talk, she was tired of handling this alone, of keeping her fears to herself.

"The chances are not good."

She looked at her long time colleague who she now counted as a friend.

"I don't know what I'll do if I lose him."

"All those years together I saw you as brother and sister, I never imagined the two of you together and now I can't imagine the two of you apart. I've never met two people whose love is as deep and strong as the love you share, it maybe lost right now but you'll find it again, even if he never regains those memories."

"That love Cho, was forged through twelve years of experiences that he can't remember. Without Red John and how it forced us to rely on each other, to trust each other, would things have turned out the same?"

"You may not have Red John but you have another battle, one that's more important and one that only the two of you can fight. He needs you as much now as he did then and you'll be as strong and as loyal as you were then, and don't forget to kick his butt when he needs it too, he appreciates that too."

She couldn't hold back a laugh. Cho smiled.

"That's good to hear. He'll learn to love you again and you know he'll play at being a wonderful father, until he doesn't have to play anymore."

Cho swallowed the last of his drink and stood up.

"I have an early start in the morning, will you be all right?"

She stood also and nodded her head.

"Thanks Kimball…thanks for being a good friend."

"I believe in the two of you… you guys made me a believer. Just hang in there, and call if you need me."

A strong feeling of gratitude and love engulfed her, bringing tears to her eyes, she kissed him on his cheek and leant against him. He wrapped his arms around her, and she enjoyed the feeling of not being alone for just a few moments more. She pulled away and looked at him.

"Thank you."

A smile twitched at the corners of his mouth.

"You're welcome."

She opened the door and watched him get into his car and waved as he pulled away. She closed the door and leant with her back against it.

"I hope you're right old friend and I promise I'll fight this battle with everything I've got."

She went into the kitchen, the surprise 'Welcome home Daddy' cake, that shows all the hallmarks of a four-year olds decorating skills, is laying on the counter. She put it carefully into an airtight container, the switched off the light and went to bed.

He wakes up as she pulls to a stop in the drive. The front door's flung open and an excited son comes barreling out the door. She looks over at her husband and he has his arms out to welcome him, a beaming smile on his face. Picking him up he plants a kiss on his head. Cho's right, he'll play the part very well.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's notes: Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I really appreciate your support for this challenging project. I'm working on longer chapters, so the updates will be a little further apart than normal, let me know what you think? I hope you enjoy this one.**

She takes Austin off her husband.

"Daddy's not very well remember. Let him get into the house and sit down."

He nods her thanks and follows everyone towards the house. He takes it slow, looking carefully at the place that's his home, hoping that something will stir but there's nothing. It's a nice house though. They look after the garden, he wonders is it him? Or do they do it together. He's pleased to see the paintwork's clean and obviously recently painted, he doesn't like to see houses neglected. The colours a strange choice, he loved the whiteness of his home in Malibu. He loved the way it shined in the sunlight, he can't believe he agreed to a green trim. He grudgingly admits it doesn't look too bad, just not his taste.

He's brought out of his musing by her voice.

"Are you all right Patrick?"

Everyone's in the doorway looking at him.

"I'm fine. Just trying to remember."

A flicker of hope crosses her face.

"Do you need more time?"

He feels a twinge of regret that he's going to disappoint her, but there's nothing to be gained by lying to her. He shakes his head.

"No, nothing's familiar."

Her shoulder's slump a fraction, that he's sure only he caught, as she puts on a brave face.

"That's okay, it'll take time."

He sits down on the couch grudgingly recognizes that he's already feeling tired. His wife is in the kitchen making him a cup of tea, she took Maddy in with her, Austin is running towards him with a book. He recognises it as one he read as a child. He must have sought it out himself, it couldn't be a coincidence – there's no such thing. He only remembers two books as a child and this one was in pieces by the time he out grew it. He remembers the pang of regret he felt when he put it in the trash even though he hadn't read it for years.

He smiles at Austin, how can he not, his enthusiasm in endearing.

"Can we read this Daddy?"

He nods and lifts him up on to his lap. The boy snuggles in to him causing a pain so deep he almost cries out. Charlotte! The pain of losing her still raw. Apparently it's been many years, but for him it was only two weeks ago. His lovely Angela too. Austin interrupts his thoughts as he tires of waiting.

"C'mon Daddy."

He looks down at this child that's his. His innocent eyes staring up at him filled with concern. He smiles at him and starts to read.

He's aware that his wife has entered with his tea, she's standing in the doorway, he can feel the emotions coming off her. When he's finished reading she walks towards him, talking to Austin.

"Let Daddy have his drink now."

"All right mommy."

Austin slides off his lap. He turns to take the book off him. His wife speaks softly.

"He has to give you a kiss to get the book, it's a game you play with him."

He nods his thanks and leans forward and Austin climbs back up and kisses him on the cheek. He puts his arms around his neck and whispers in his ear

"I'm glad you're home Daddy."

He doesn't know what else to do but whisper back.

"So am I."

Austin lets go and jumps down, he takes the book and settles in a chair and opens it to read to himself. His wife hands him his tea and sits down beside him with a can of coke in her hand.

"Maddy's asleep. How are you doing?"

"I feel tired."

She nods her head.

"The doctor said that you would tire easily as you're still recovering and then the added strain of your amnesia. Feel free to sleep, this is your home. I've made the bed up in the spare room and put some of your clothes in the closet. I thought you might feel more comfortable in there."

He looks gratefully at her.

"Thank you but won't the children think it's strange that we're not sleeping together?"

"I already explained to Austin that it's necessary until you're feeling better – Doctor's orders. That was enough."

He looks at his wife, the pain she's experiencing evident in her eyes.

"I'm sorry about all this. I..I..I wish I could remember."

He sees tears prick her eyes, she blinks to hold them back. Instinctively she places her hand on his thigh and then quickly moves it.

"You've nothing to be sorry for. It's not your fault. You're alive and you're here. We'll get through this other stuff somehow."

"Teresa?"

It sounds strange on his lips. It's the first time he's said it and it startles her.

"Yes"

He holds up his cup.

"It seems I taught you how to make a good cup of tea, this is outstanding."

"You refused to set a date until I'd mastered the skill."

"And yet you married me anyway."

"Yes everyone thought I was nuts."

They smile at each other.

"I'm glad you're home too Patrick. You can sleep in your room or lay down on the couch"

She gets up and turns to Austin.

"Let's get you some lunch."

He decides to sleep in his room. He swallows down his tea and takes his cup in to the kitchen. His wife's nowhere to be seen but Austin's sat at the table with a sandwich and slices of apple on his plate. He looks up as Patrick enters.

"Do you want some Daddy?"

"No thank you, Daddy's tired, I'm going to lie down."

"Because you hurt your head and been in the hospital?"

He nods.

"Yes that's right."

"Sleep tight Daddy."

"Thank you."

He runs the cup under some water and places it in the sink. His wife hasn't appeared.

"Where's mommy."

"She doing laundry."

"Okay tell her I went to bed."

"Do you want some lunch first?"

He turns around to where her voice is coming from.

"I'm too tired to eat, when I wake up."

"Okay. Your room is the third door on the left."

"Thanks."

He opens the door to his room. It's bright and airy in blues and yellows. There's king size bed up in the middle of the wall opposite to where he stands. There are bedside tables either side, plush drawers in a matching light pine. The drawers are on the wall to his left and next to them is a built in closet. He moves towards it and opens the doors.

He looks at the clothes hanging and there's nothing that reminds him of himself. No crisp white shirts and expensive suits, not even any ties. The shirts are more casual, softer, mainly white with prints on them. His suits are cut differently and though still of a good make, not the top of the line like he usually wears. They have a slightly rumpled look to them. He smiles to himself when he sees that he still has his initials put on his shirts, he fingers the familiarity. On the right of the bed is an easy chair, it looks comfy. He sits down in it and looks around the room. He closes his eyes and breathes in deeply. As he breathes out, tears form under his lashes, his heart solidifies with grief, his girls are gone.

During lunch Austin's eyes start to droop. The excitement of having his Daddy home had caused him to wake up early that morning and to expand a lot of energy. Teresa picks him up, he lays his head against her shoulder, she can feel his breath on her neck. As she starts down the hall he turns his head so that he's speaking in her ear.

"Can I sleep with Daddy?"

"Not today honey, maybe later."

He seems to accept this and she continues to his room and juggles with him and pulling the cover back. She lays him gently on the bed and pulls the cover up over him. She bends to give him a kiss.

"Daddy's different."

Dread fills her as she stops and looks at her son. He not only has his father's devastating smile but also shows signs of his great perceptiveness so she isn't surprised that Austin hasn't been fooled.

"Why do you say that?"

"His eyes are different."

"In what way."

Her son shrugs unable to articulate what he instinctively sees.

"I don't know, they just are."

She sits down beside him and strokes his hair.

"He's going through a hard time right now because of his injury, he might be different for a while, so we need to show him how much we love him, even when he's different.

Austin opens his arms as wide as he can stretch them.

"I love him this much."

Teresa smiles at him.

"I know you do and mommy does too. Now you have a good nap."

She gives him a kiss and strokes his cheek until he's asleep. She closes the door quietly behind her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's notes: Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I appreciate the kind words of support, and thanks for the follows and favs too. I hope you like this chapter.**

Patrick wakes up still in the chair. He can hear muffled noises coming from somewhere in the house. There's a knock on the door. He stands up quickly, not wanting Teresa to know where he was sleeping. He lies on the bed.

"Come in."

Teresa pops her head through the door.

"Sorry to disturb you, but…."

"No problem. What time is it?"

"Four."

He swings his legs off the bed and sits up.

"I've been asleep a long time."

"It was a tiring morning."

Patrick sees the weariness in Teresa's face and guilt washes over him.

"You came for a reason?"

"Austin can't wait any longer and it was either me disturb you or him."

"Can't wait for what?"

"He's missed you and he made something for you."

Patrick manages a smile.

"Just give me a two minutes."

He enters the ensuite to rinse his face. His reflection is still a shock to him. It's almost like a different person staring back at him. He can see that along the way he's changed. He can feel it somewhere inside of him that he has. He's doesn't know why and is unsure how but it's the only part of his reality that he didn't lose. It gives him hope that he'll be able to find his way back because he suspects that the life he's created now is worth having as much the life he's lost.

His wife is waiting for him when he leaves the room, she's dangling a blindfold.

"Austin insists you wear this."

"Okay."

As he takes it from her he hears giggling and an excited face appears around the corner of the wall.

"Hurry up daddy."

He puts the blindfold on and he feels Teresa take his arm. A little voice protests.

"No, mommy, Daddy doesn't need your help."

He notes the firm but gentle tone as his wife answers.

"Daddy's been hurt remember Austin."

He hears her voice soften so Austin won't hear.

"I'm sorry, I should have realised Austin would want this, he loves that you can get around, knowing where everything is while blindfolded."

He moves her arm.

"It's okay, I can do this, I still have my skills."

He hears Austin clapping his hands.

He pictures the layout of the house and the furniture in it.

"There's no toys lying around Austin, you haven't set any booby traps have you?"

"No daddy."

"Good. Where am I heading."

"To the kitchen and your chair."

He turns to his wife and understanding she whispers:

"The one facing the window."

"Thank you."

He takes a deep breath and rubs his hands together.

"Okay here I come."

He makes it safely to his chair and pulls it out and sits down. Immediately Austin is climbing on to his lap.

"Keep your eyes closed."

He nods his head and does as he's told. He feels a pull on the blindfold and as it falls away Austin climbs down.

"Open your eyes."

He opens them and in front of him is a cake with the words crudely written 'Missed you daddy' on top and blobs of icing dotted everywhere. He looks to Austin who's excitement is barely contained.

"Did you do this?"

Austin nods his head.

"All of it?"

"Mommy made it and helped me with the writing but I put the kisses on it all by myself."

"Definitely the best part. Thank you."

He lifts him up and gives him a kiss and a hug, he's suddenly overcome with emotion.

"Thank you, Daddy loves it very much."

He puts Austin down and picks up the knife waiting on the table.

"Who wants cake?".

As Teresa watches Patrick walk around the living room looking closely at the photographs, holiday souvenirs and carefully chosen accessories, it reminds her of him walking around a crime scene, a job he has no memory of fulfilling. She wonders if the very act stirs something, anything buried deep in his mind or is there nothing to dig out, is it all gone forever. Their entire association. No memory of when he first came to the CBI, of his colleagues, of his remarkable closure rate and his even greater aptitude for getting into trouble. Has he forgotten forever his hunt for Red John, his triumph over the serial killer. How intimate their friendship became as they got closer to the monster. Will his desire for revenge relight and consume him now that it can't be fulfilled.

Are the photos of their wedding, of their loving looks to one another pulling at his memories, are they stirring up lost feelings in his heart. Will the picture of her and Austin that he took as they placed their new-born son in her arms for the first time be the key to getting him back. He picks that one up and studies it closely. He turns to her.

"This is a great picture, you look radiant, despite your exhaustion. How long were you in labour?"

"Twenty four hours."

He nods his head.

"The first one is usually the most difficult."

"It's amazing that after all the pain a woman's been through that they can look at their new child with so much love. I can remember when Ang..er…I'm sorry that's inappropriate…"

He puts the picture down quickly and turns from her. She walks over to him and touches his arm to get his attention.

"Patrick, this is a difficult situation, very difficult. I know that Angela and Charlotte are the family that you remember and that you must be grieving for them. They've been a part of you and of our relationship from the moment we met. I don't want you to be afraid to talk about them. You've never actually told me a lot about them. So please, what were you going to say."

He searches her face, his beautiful eyes, clouded with pain, reading the voracity of her words. His gaze moves to the floor as he speaks:

"I..I…I was saying that Angela didn't want to let Charlotte go. The medical personnel wanted to move her to the ward and take Charlotte for her bath and examination, and whatever else it is they do, but she refused to give her up. She was still in her arms when they moved her to the ward. She could be stubborn when it really mattered to her."

"Did you like that about her?"

"Yes, I don't think it's good for me to get my own way all the time."

"You certainly try."

He gives a chagrin smile.

"Still huh. I was hoping I'd grown out of it. That was a lovely dinner, it's one of my favourites."

"I know."

Silence falls between them as Patrick looks at her. She standing so close she can smell the remnants of his aftershave. She holds still, resisting the urge to look away, resisting the urge to kiss him. He studies her for a while, she barely dares to breathe. Finally he breaks contact and takes a step back.

"I can see that we're married, I can see when I look in the mirror that I'm older than I should be. I can see that Austin and Maddy are our children. I hoped that coming here…coming home would do something. Would help me to remember…..but there's nothing."

He viciously taps his head with a finger.

"In here, I'm still married to Angela and Charlotte is my daughter, she lives and breathes. And yet she's dead, they're dead…

Teresa can't help herself she reaches out and touches his arm.

"I know you're hurting Patrick, we both are. Let me help you, I helped you before.."

Patrick looks at her puzzled, he moves away just enough to make her move her hand.

"We've been together that long?"

"As friends. Well first as colleagues, We met six months after your family's death, then we became friends and after a long time we fell in love."

He sinks in to a chair and holds his head in his hands. She wants to touch him to take him in her arms, to find comfort for them both. Instead she sinks down in the nearest chair and watches him. He takes a deep breath as if he's steadying himself and looks up.

"I'm sorry. I know I'm hurting you, and I know you're afraid. I..I..I just have so much to sort out….so much to get use to….so much to accept. I don't know if I'm the person you married..if I can ever be that person…."

"Patrick, you're not hurting me, the situation is. You're not at fault. I'm not expecting you to fall in to my arms tomorrow, the next day, next week, or even next month. As much as I would like it. It's could be a long process. I can't imagine what it's like for you, beiing in a house of strangers knowing you have a role to play, an important role."

"You're afraid I'll leave, that it'll be too much and I'll leave."

She nods her head. He stares at her for a while.

"I wish I could promise that it'll never happen. I want to get back what I've lost, and I will do the best I can but if we don't…if I don't…"

She wipes at the tears she can't stop and stands up.

"You're looking tired."

He stands up also.

"You seem a lovely person Teresa, an excellent mother."

"Thank you."

She points in the direction of the front door.

"I better lock up."

"Good night."

He turns and goes towards his room. She watches after the retreating familiar figure, that she knows as well as she knows herself. Who should've taken her in his arms and kissed her, told her to get to bed as he would lock up. He should have joked, that he liked to do it, it made him feel the man of the house, even if he didn't own the gun. She would tease him and touch him intimately and tell him there were better ways of shown it than locking up. He would scoop her up in his arms and they would lock up the house together and then make love.

She didn't stop the tears as she turned the key in the door.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's notes: Thank you so much for the support you give me via reviews, follows and favs. It means a lot on this new adventure. **

Teresa drags herself out of bed out the sound of Maddy's cries. She can't believe it's time to get up already. She stops in the doorway at the sight of Patrick lifting Maddy out of her crib. He wearing his pale green cotton pajamas that she knows makes his eyes sparkle. He holds Maddy close to him and whisper in to her ear.

"Shhh You'll wake your mommy up."

He plants a small kiss on her cheek and gently lays her down on the changing table.

"She already has, so I can take over."

He places a hand on Maddy's tummy to keep her in place and turns his head towards Teresa.

"You go back to bed, I'll look after them for a little while, I can tell you need sleep."

"You're the one who needs rest Patrick."

"I slept lots yesterday and I can get some rest later. Now run along back to bed."

Patrick turns back to Maddy and starts to undress her.

"I don't know…"

"I can look after two little children for an hour or so Teresa. I'll make Austin his favourite eggs for breakfast and we'll find something to occupy us."

Teresa's stomach lurches with hope and she forces herself to speak.

"How do you know Austin's favourite eggs?"

Patrick doesn't turn around as he's in the middle of the diaper change. His voice betrays that he knows the hurt his answer will cause her.

"The videos."

"Of course."

"Now off you go, if you can't get back to sleep, read, or take a long shower and beauty routine, whatever will relax you but I don't want to see you for at least another hour."

She tries to move beyond her disappointment, putting lightness in to her voice."

"Thank you Patrick."

He's stands Maddy up and pulls up her pajama bottoms, lifting her off the changing table in the process. Maddy squeals with delight. He lifts her into his arms and turns around.

"You're welcome, now scoot."

Teresa takes one last look as Maddy's grabbing Patrick's face, then she disappears into their bedroom and climbs back in to bed. She hears Austin's door open and Patrick voice.

"Hi ya buddy, are you ready for some of Daddy's famous eggs?"

She smiles as Austin cheers and she can hear his feet running down the hall towards the kitchen. She's feels disappointment when she can no long hear them and there's only silence.

Patrick places Maddy in to her high chair and puts some bread in the toaster. He'd taken a good look at the kitchen yesterday and is confident he knows where they would have stored everything so he's able to move around the kitchen like it's his own. Austin grabs this opportunity at having his daddy alone.

"Daddy what's wrong with you? You are very sad."

Patrick isn't surprised by the question, he expected Austin to figure out that something was different about his daddy. It's one of the reasons he engineered this breakfast. He did want Teresa to have some extra sleep, she looked dead on her feet the night before and it's no wonder with all the stress she's under and looking after the home and children as well as visiting him in the hospital. He also knew that no matter how good the explanation Teresa gave, Austin would need reassurance from him that his daddy was all right.

He places the plate of eggs in the middle of the table and sits down. He serves some to Austin, He cuts some toast in to fingers and places them on Maddy's high chair, along with a cup of milk. Then he serves himself and turns to his son.

"You know that Daddy was hurt, don't you?"

Austin has a mouthful of eggs, his cheeks are bulging, so he just nods.

"You know how Daddy remembers everything?"

Austin nods his head again.

"When Daddy got hurt I lost memories of some things I want to remember and that makes Daddy sad."

Austin's eyes open wide in amazement and he swallows the last of his eggs quickly.

"Did they come out of the hole in your head?"

Patrick smiles.

"Not qui.."

Austin interrupts Patrick excitedly

"Perhaps we can go back to where you were hurt and find them and put them back in?"

Patrick ruffles up Austin's hair and smiles at him wistfully

"I wish it was that easy. But they,re still in here somewhere but they're hiding and hiding so good that I can't find them.

Austin states matter of factly:

"You always find me Daddy, no matter how good I hide, even when Mommy helps me. You'll find them."

Patrick can't help but smile while wishing it comes true.

"I'm going to do my best."

Austin finishes swallowing more eggs and then turns to Patrick.

"I'm glad you didn't forget how to make our favourite eggs."

Patrick laughs and picking up eggs on his fork he winks at Austin.

"So am I."

"Daddy?"

"Yes."

"If you need to remember something, you can ask me, I can help you."

Patrick swallows around the lump that's jumped into his throat. His voice comes out croaky.

"Thank you, I will."

Austin's finished his breakfast and asks if he can get down.

"Yes, just don't make too much noise to wake up your mommy."

"Okay Daddy."

Austin reaches up and Patrick bends a little so Austin can wrap his arms around his neck and he gives him a kiss on the cheek.

"Daddy, guess what?"

"What?"

"I love you Daddy."

Patrick wraps his arms around him and gives him a hug.

"Thank you Austin, I love you too."

As he pulls away Austin is looking at him puzzled and then his face brightens.

"Daddy you forgot our game."

"I guess I have, what game?"

"I say, 'Daddy, guess what? ' and you say 'What?' then I say 'I love you Daddy'"

Patrick's nodding his head.

"Yes that was a good game."

"But then it's your turn and you say.."

Patrick interrupts him as he guesses what he's going to say.

"Austin, guess what?"

Austin is jumping up and down.

"What Daddy, what daddy?"

"I love you too."

"That's right Daddy, I helped you remember."

"Yes you did."

Maddy lets out a cry and Patrick turns to find her tray empty. He looks back at Austin.

"Does Maddy like our eggs?"

Austin shrugs.

"Maddy's never had our eggs."

Austin shakes his head.

"I think it's time she tried."

Patrick puts a little of the egg on her tray. Maddy picks it up and looks at it curiously. Austin has moved right next to the high chair and tries to be helpful.

"You put it in your mouth Maddy."

Maddy looks at the eggs again and offers them to Austin. He shakes his head.

"I'm full, you eat it."

Maddy looks at him for a moment and then puts the egg in to her mouth. Patrick and Austin watch closely but she doesn't spit it out and holds her hand out for more. Patrick whispers in Austin's ear.

"I think we have another lover of the eggs."

Austin flashes his Daddy a smile and heads towards the living room. Patrick watches him leave, thinking about what a great kid he is, and wonders at the simplicity and trust of children and at the morality of lying to a four-year old to stop from breaking his heart. He hopes one day he can mean the words his son accepted so readily, because what else would his Daddy say.? Maddy cries out impatiently and he turns his attention back to feeding her eggs and tries not to think about the game he once played with Charlotte.

When Teresa wakes up she hears the excited voice of her son in the hallway. There's a knock on the door, she hears Patrick's voice, kept low and before she can answer the door opens and Austin comes running in to the room.

"Mommy we've made you some eggs."

Maddy toddles in after him while Patrick stands at the door, still in his pajamas, looking apologetic, with a tray in his hands. He mouths 'I'm sorry'. Austin moves back towards him.

"Daddy come on."

Patrick hesitates. Teresa pulls herself to a sitting postion, she waves him in and invites Austin to climb up, she gives him a big hug.

"Breakfast in bed, thank you."

He pulls away.

"Daddy forgot to make you some, daddy's forgotten lots of things, but that's okay 'cos I'm going to help him. I've already helped him lots."

Teresa gives Patrick a questioning look as he hands her the tray.

"Daddy you always give mommy a kiss."

The two grown-ups look at one another and then at their son. Patrick leans over and she closes her eyes in reflex to the anticipation and to concentrate on each sensation, it seems so long since she'd kissed him that fateful morning. She's aware of the bed sinking as he lays a hand next to her for stability. She feels the goose bumps start along with the feels the warmth of his breath on her skin as he moves closer. It's like a welcome breeze after a long hot stifling summer. His lips are still soft, still full, still the lips of her husband as they meet hers and linger for a fleeting moment, It feels like a butterfly kiss, with the punch of a heavyweight boxer as he moves away too quickly.

He straightens up and unable to meet her eyes he grabs Austin off the bed.

"Let's leave mommy to her breakfast and to get dressed, He puts down Austin and picks up Maddy, who's standing along the edge of the bed.

"Time to get you dressed young lady"

He holds his hand out and Austin takes it.

"You too."

He leads them out of the room, he doesn't know that he's re –enacting a scene so familiar to Teresa that she closes her eyes unable to watch and instead tries to capture the sensations of a few moments ago.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's notes: Thank you to everyone who very kindly takes the time to review, and for the follows and favs. I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

When Teresa enters the family room after getting showered and dressed Austin's trying to persuade his daddy to go to the park. Teresa can see that he's tiring and intervenes. She moves to Austin and crouches down so she's more on his height.

"I think Daddy needs a rest, he's worked very hard making breakfast for all of us and looking after you and Maddy, while mommy had a lie in. It's going to be a while before Daddy can do all the things he used to do. They only let him out of the hospital when I promised we would look after him. So why don't I take you and Maddy to the park and let Daddy go back to bed for a little while."

Patrick looks at her gratefully. Austin's disappointment at not going to the park with Daddy is quickly replaced with excitement that he gets to go anyway.

"I want to go on the slide and the swings and that thing that goes round and round."

He demonstrates it with his fingers.

Teresa laughs and gives him a hug. She pulls him away and rests her forehead on his.

"I think we should go on everything."

Austin's jumping up and down.

"Now what do you have to do before we go anywhere?"

"Go to the toilet."

"Good boy. Now off you go and I'll get Maddy ready."

Austin runs off.

"Thank you Teresa."

She looks at Patrick.

"You should get some sleep while we're gone. You're looking tired."

When Austin finished in the bathroom, Teresa has Maddy in her stroller. Austin climbs on Patrick's lap and gives him a kiss.

Patrick gets up from his nap to find the children fast asleep and Teresa in the kitchen. She looks up from what she's doing when she hears him.

"That's great timing I was just fixing a sandwich. Would you like one, it's tuna salad."

"That would be good thank you. Can I put the kettle on for some tea?"

"Patrick it's your house, you can do whatever you like. You usually do, wherever you find an empty kitchen you'll help yourself to some tea."

"This kitchen wasn't empty."

"True but it is yours. Thank you for breakfast, it was delicious."

"Did you and the children have fun at the park? Austin seems really excited about it."

Teresa smiles.

"He loves the park."

"The thing that goes round and round.."

Patrick imitates Austin's actions

"..being his favourite."

Teresa smiles.

"Yes it is. It was only put in a two weeks ago and he's still very excited about it. Here you are."

Teresa places a plate with his sandwich on in front of his chair at the table,

"Thank you, that was very kind of you."

Teresa brings her plate over plus a bag of chips and places them on the table. Patrick has finished making his tea and sits down also. After a few bites in silence Teresa opens some conversation.

"I want to thank you for what you're doing for Austin. You know exactly what to do as always."

"It's not hard, he's a great kid and he doesn't deserve to know his daddy doesn't remember him."

Patrick looks down at his plate and then back at Teresa.

"Neither do you and I wish it could be different."

Teresa speaks with determination.

"I never want you to pretend with me, no matter how hard it gets, I don't want you pretending. What we had together was more than I could ever have dreamed of, I want that back, no facsimile."

Patrick's shaking his head.

"I won't. I promise you that. I won't do that to you."

Teresa blinks back tears and smiles.

"Good, thank you."

Patrick can see that Teresa's in two minds about saying something.

"Just go ahead."

She looks at him startled.

"I..I…I wasn't going to say anything."

Jane smile at her.

"Yes you were, at least you were deciding about it. I suggest you just say it."

"I've been thinking about the situation. Do you feel comfortable being here? Do you think you can stay here?"

Jane shrugs.

"I don't have anywhere else to go."

He can see instantly that it was the wrong thing say.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean for that to come out the way it did. It's right I don't have any choice, but, I'm alright staying here. You have..we have a nice home. Have we been here long?"

"Two and a half years."

Patrick nods.

"Being in my lost environment will give me a better chance of getting my memory back, something might trigger it. That's what the doctor said anyway."

Teresa looks at him and smiles.

"Good, because I want you here."

"Even like this? I know it's very hard for you."

Teresa nods, her voice comes out barely a whisper.

"It's better than nothing.

Pain crosses Patrick's face at the emotions in her voice.

"It's good what we have?"

"The best."

"I'm figuring I worked for you?"

"You still do."

"I have to tell you I'm having a hard time with the idea that I'm a cop."

Teresa smiles.

"I bet you are. But you're not a cop, you're a consultant, we solve murders and you're very good at it."

"I'm work as a psychic consultant? Actually Angela and I had talked about doing that?"

"No you use your skills that helped you pretend to be a psychic."

Patrick frowns.

"Helped me pretend to be a psychic?"

Too late Teresa realises her mistake. Flustered she stands up from the table and reaches for his plate.

"If you're done I'll take that."

Patrick's frowning.

"What is it Teresa? Out of this whole conversation that upsets you the most?"

"I…I…you're…you're not…I'm sorry I have things to do before the children get back up."

Patrick's rewound the conversation, he stands up also.

"Does it have something to do with Angela and Charlotte?"

Teresa picks up his plate, her hand is trembling, Patrick doesn't miss it. He grabs her wrist.

"Teresa, does it have something to do with their deaths?"

He's looking in to her eyes as he speaks.

"I think you better sit down and tell me….please."

"Patrick, you're not ready to hear this."

"You can't just leave it like this. How did my family die?"

Teresa doesn't move.

"Please Teresa?"

She slowly sinks back down in to her chair.

"How did they die?"

"Patrick I'm sorry…"

"Just tell me Teresa."

She looks down and is twisting the ring on her finger. She sees no way out except to stand up and leave, but that's only putting off the inevitable. She knows her husband, he won't let it go, no matter what she says. She knows the strong feelings his holds for his family. She looks up at him.

"They were murdered."

Patrick sits back in his chair stunned. He repeats back to her.

"Murdered?"

Teresa nods her head.

"Someone killed my family? Someone killed my little girl?"

"A serial killer called Red John."

"A serial killer chose my girls.."

Patrick catches something in Teresa face.

"It wasn't random was it? It was deliberate….because…because of me."

Teresa closes her eyes as she sees the familiar tortured look in her husband's eyes.

"That's what he said, but it wasn't.."

"That's what he said? Did he talk to me? Did I meet him?"

"Patrick it's a long complicated story. You came to the CBI to catch him, and you did it, it took a long time but you found him and now he's dead and…and…you moved on…"

"With you."

Teresa's rubbing her cross.

"Yes, with me, eventually. We're in a different state, we now work with the FBI…"

"And it's all happy ever after."

Teresa hears the hardness in his voice.

"You deserved it Patrick, don't think that you abandoned Angela and Charlotte, you put your life on hold for a long time, your soul filled with guilt and remorse. Trust me you paid the price for the wrong you took upon yourself…a heavy price."

Patrick stands up abruptly.

"I think I'll go for a walk."

"Okay."

Patrick walks out the door. Teresa sits looking at the closed-door. She knows she's said too much, and wonders if she's said enough. She gets up slowly and with heavy feet she moves to the door to the basement. She opens it and walks down the steps. She finds it pretty quickly, it's not very thick, but it'll tell him all he needs to know. She walks back up the steps and slowly to his room. Opening the door she lays the file on his bed.

**Author's notes: For my faithful readers, I'm going away for a few days, so this will be the last thing I publish until I get back. I may get to work on a story while away, fingers crossed. I may get a drabble done before I go, but no promises. Take care while I'm gone (and always)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's notes: Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, they are welcome and a strength. Thank you to the new followers and to those who made it a fav and for reading. I hope you like this chapter and the way I've taken it.**

Patrick finishes the reading the note for the fourth time. He forced himself to read through the entire file before going back to the note. It says it was stuck on the door of their bedroom to greet him as he came home from a TV appearance. He leans back against his pillow and imagines himself going up the stairs. He knows exactly what he was wearing, as it's in the report, confiscated for forensic testing. He was probably a suspect for a while. He can see the pictures along the wall. His daughter's bedroom door just off to the left, unknown to him it was empty. He notices the note on the door and smiles, thinking it's from his wife, something she wants him to do, maybe Charlotte wanting him to look at something in her room before he goes to bed. But from the very first words he knows. The words of the note are already burned into his memory, did he feel the same things he felt today. Did he feel sick, Jane had thrown up in the bathroom before he got to the end of it. Somehow, it seems, he had the strength to open the door, possibly he hoped that Red John was just mocking him and that his family was fine, Charlotte was just a little girl, surely he wouldn't harm an innocent little girl.

But no he'd found them, mutilated, covered in blood. He closes his eyes, and snaps them back open as unwanted images leap before him.

Teresa closes the door of Austin's bedroom, she looks at the Patrick's closed-door. He's been in there ever since he returned. He'd been gone so long she'd begun to fear that maybe he wasn't coming back. She was feeding Austin his dinner when the back door opened, causing her to jump. She hadn't dared turn around until she'd heard a delighted Austin squeal 'daddy'. She'd forced herself to turn around slowly, his head was bent over Austin's shoulder looking at a drawing that Austin had done for him that day.

"I've put something in your bedroom for you."

He looks up at her, she can't read him.

"It's about what we were talking about."

"Oh, thank you."

He spent another minute with Austin, ruffled Maddy's hair as he walked past on his way to his bedroom.

She knocks on the door and opens it. The contents of the file are scattered on the bed. He's sat up, leaning against the pillows, he doesn't register her presence, he's not looking at the pages, he's staring in to space as tears fall on to his cheeks. She moves towards him and touches his hand. He startles.

"I'm sorry Patrick."

His cheeks flush at being caught crying. She hands him a couple of tissues from the dispenser on the bedside table and he wipes at his eyes. He makes a sweeping gesture with his hand across the pages of the file.

"I can't remember any of this. It's like reading a terrible crime novel, but it's my family, and their dead, and it was so long ago. Charlotte barely had time to live. She was only Austin's age."

He fingers the page in front of him.

"It's been so long…"

Teresa wants to take him in her arms and hold him, but she stays rooted, knowing it wouldn't be welcome. He looks at her and she knows that he can read her as he quickly looks away. She stands up.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have come in. I..I..It's just I was worried about you. I'll leave you alone."

"No, don't go."

Teresa looks at him in surprise, he raises his eyes towards her and gestures to the files once more.

"I need answers, there's so many holes in this thing…"

Teresa nods her head, she expected that the report wouldn't be enough.

"The kids are in bed, why don't we go where it's more comfortable and you haven't eaten."

"I don't want anything, I'll just make a cup of tea."

"Austin and I made some brownies, if you want one."

"Okay, they sound good."

She flashes him a smile.

"The best apparently."

He can't help responding to her smile.

"Is that what I say.?"

"Yes, now you can give me an unbiased opinion. I'll go put the kettle on."

Patrick swings his legs around to the side of the bed.

"It's okay, I can make it."

"You get the cups ready, I'll have whatever flavour you're having as long as it's coffee."

Jane is off the bed and has gathered up the pages of the file. He holds the door open for Teresa.

"Isn't it a bit late for all that caffeine?"

"Without it I'd be going to bed with the kids."

They each carry their own cup and slice to brownie into the family room and sit at opposite ends of the couch, using the end tables to place their crockery. Patrick had already place the file there. Although he doesn't need to look at it again, he knows what it says. Teresa looks at him over the rim of her cup and the act of moving and making the drinks have given him time to compose himself, but she detects the return of the Red John effect on his face, the lines of worry and grief are back. Still gone though, is the glint of revenge in his eyes. He leans back in to the couch, crossing his legs., He takes a sip of his tea and closes his eyes as he swallows, he then takes a bite of the brownie.

"Mmm no bias needed, this is wonderful."

Teresa's surprised by how pleased she is, and inwardly tells herself off for her show of domestic pride.

"Thank you."

She sees the change in his demeanor and knows he's getting down to the business at hand.

"I guess the thing I want to know most of all is: I killed a man?"

"Yes you did. It ended up being a big mess, Red John was a police officer and was involved in a lot more than just the killings that were attributed to him."

"Yes, this Blake Association."

"It was a secret organization of cops and politicians and various areas of law enforcement, who did anything that was necessary to protect each other, and follow whatever instructions they were given. That's why it took so long to find him, but it also proved to be his downfall. You figured it all out. You turned one of his disciples, who gave you some important information and you figured it out from there."

"I'm a little surprised that you were okay enough with it, that you married me. You seem the rule keeping type."

Teresa considers her words carefully, she's spent many hours in the past, figuring out how she felt about him killing Red John and her part in it.

"I always thought that I would stop you, and I had every intention of doing so. You always told me that it wouldn't happen, but I was determined. Red John had ruined your life once, I wasn't about to let it happen again."

Patrick's now leaning forward his hand clasped together in front of him. He's so close. He speaks softly:

"So what changed?"

"You read the file. The Blake Association turned everything in to disarray. Even the director of the CBI was a member and tried to kill you. It was hard to know who we could trust without getting everyone to take off their shirts."

Teresa closes her eyes to the memories crashing in on her, the hug at the beach, the horror of the explosion at Patrick's house, the relief at finding a pulse.

"The CBI was disbanded, I didn't have the authority to stop you, even if I wanted to. The truth is I didn't want to, everything was such a mess, I couldn't be sure that if they arrested him, that he would ever pay for his crimes. It would take so long to find every Blake member and he would be long gone before we could stop it. You were the chance for justice, he'd killed so many…. so many good people.."

"Someone close to you?"

Teresa wipes at the tears that wet her eyes, partly because of memories and partly because of Patrick's concern. She nods her head.

"A man I once worked with, someone I admired a great deal."

Patrick can see there's something more but doesn't push it. He leans back against the couch. He killed a man, how does he feel about that?

"I'm not in jail, I'm working for the FBI and living a normal, happy, life."

The irony of his words and his current situation, are not lost on him.

"You escaped, went somewhere where they couldn't touch you. Abbott found you.."

"He's the big boss guy, who visited in hospital?"

Teresa nods.

"The FBI offered you a deal, immunity for working with them."

Patrick lets out a slow whistle.

"That's some deal."

Teresa can't help but smile at the memory.

"It was a very good deal, but you wanted more and had stipulations and held out until you got them all."

Patrick takes a sip of his tea and stares at his cup, processing all that he read and along with what Teresa has told him. He looks up at her.

"I came back for you."

Teresa nods.

"I like to think so."

Patrick descends into silence again. Teresa watches him carefully for a while.

"Are you okay?"

He looks at her and runs his hands down his face.

"I don't know. I feel like I've just aged fifteen years in one night."

"I guess you have."

"There's so much I've forgotten.."

Teresa notices that his leg is moving up and down. She reaches across and touches his arm.

"I know it's a lot to take in. Although I can't know how you feel, I do know it must be very difficult. But you may have lost part of your past, and I know you're grieving for Angela and Charlotte, but you have a present, you have people that care for you, and want to help you."

Patrick's switching between nodding his head and shaking it. He turns to her and anguish fills his eyes.

"It seems a wonderful present. The kids are fantastic and you seem a very nice person, but this is not my present, not in my head or my heart."

Teresa can't help reeling back at the pain his words cause.

"I can see I'm hurting you, every time, I don't remember something, or do something that reminds you of how we use to be. I'm hurting you by being so close and yet so far away. Perhaps it'll be better if I'm not here. Perhaps it's better for me to go away."

"No, Patrick, don't. The doctors can help you here. You have an appointment tomorrow, wait until after then."

Patrick closes his eyes and lets out a deep sigh. It seems hours to Teresa as she waits for him to speak.

"Okay. I won't decide anything until then."

He looks at her.

"I know one thing though."

Teresa manages to reply in a steady voice, despite the desperation almost suffocating her.

"What?"

"I need to see their graves, I need to see that they are gone."

Patrick stands up.

"If it's okay with you, I'm feeling wiped out and will go to bed."

He leaves Teresa sitting there, his cup and unfinished brownie on the end table. Teresa's hand, unaware to her, moves to the cross around her neck as she stares after him.

Patrick wakes up with a start. He's tangled in his covers and sweat is damping his hair. He frantically unwinds himself from the bedding, he lays still, working on calming his heart rate, but, he can feel the saran wrap around his body, as if he's still dreaming and when he closes his eyes, he sees the grotesque face that held him captive.


	8. Chapter 8

The nurse comes towards them with a file in her hand and smiles.

"Patrick, will you follow me?"

She turns to Teresa.

"The doctor wants to speak to Patrick first and then he will see the two of you together."

Patrick stands up and follows the nurse in to the consulting room.

"Take a seat, the doctor will be with you soon. Would you like any thing?"

"A cup of tea would be lovely."

Patrick watches the nurse leave and then looks around him. The room is sparsely decorated, there's a desk over by the window, situated though so the doctor sit's with his back to the stunning view beyond. Obviously a man who doesn't like to be distracted in his work. In front of the desk is a couch and two matching chairs, all are a deep brown leather. Definitely not of the comfy variety. The paintings on the wall, he can tell, won't tell him much about the man, they look as if they were chosen to be restful and non-intrusive, rather than, as a personal preference. All that's on the desk is a picture of a pretty woman of about 40yrs of age with two twin teenage girls. They started their family young despite the husband going through medical school. Jane wonders if they were high school sweethearts.

He peers more closely at the girls, their blonde hair has a slight wave and is hanging loosely around their shoulders. The girls are not looking at the camera but at laughing at each other, obviously sharing a personal joke between themselves. It's a nice photo, Patrick realises, with a jolt, that they're probably the age Charlotte would be if she was still alive. Patrick can't look at anymore.

He chooses to sit on the couch, in the corner furthest away from the chair that he can see the doctor usually sits in. He realises that he's sending a defensive message and moves into the middle.

The door opens and the nurse enters with his cup of tea.

"They you are Patrick. I hope it's too your liking."

The door opens again and the doctor enters, he's holding a tablet in his hands, Patrick's seen them advertised when watching tv in the hospital. The nurse turns towards him.

"Would you like a drink Robert?"

"No I'm fine, Beth."

The nurse looks between the two of them.

"I'll leave you two alone then."

As she leaves, the doctor sits down in the chair Patrick had pegged as his, it was the slight depression in the cushion that gave it away. The doctor sits back and looks at Patrick in silence. Patrick smiles and leans back also.

"So what do you see?"

"I see a man who's in conflict. A lot of tension in you Patrick. It's taking a lot of effort for you to look so relaxed. Tell me how it's going?"

Patrick looks down at his hands as he answers.

"Everything's great. I have two adorable kids, that I'm scared I will let it slip that I don't remember them and a wife that I upset every time I walk in to a room and don't kiss her. She's doing her best, being understanding.."

He looks up at the doctor.

"She made up the spare room for me. Figured I wouldn't want to share her bed. She was right of course. And then, if that wasn't enough, I find out that my family were butchered by a serial killer named Red John and it was all my fault."

Patrick looks at him defiantly, defying himself to falter, to show any emotion. But he'd dealing with a skilled psychiatrist and his choice of words betray him.

"I hoped you wouldn't find out about Red John, it's a complication you can do with out."

Patrick looks at him dumbfounded.

"A complication, is that what you call it?"

"Probably not the best choice of words. But it's something you've already dealt with. You completed what you set out to do and put it behind you.."

Patrick interrupts him.

"I know, I moved on. Moved on to a new family."

The doctor tries a new tack."

"How are you feeling Patrick?"

Patrick stares at him and then leans forward resting his arms on his knees and looks at the floor, shaking his head.

"I know the issues you have to deal with Patrick. What I want to know is how you feel?"

"I feel like I want my memory back. I feel like I want to wake up and get my life back."

He points towards the door.

"I know that's my wife sitting out there, I know it in my head. I want to know it in my heart."

Jane becomes silent, the doctor urges him to continue.

"And?"

Patrick looks up at him, a puzzled look on his face and echo's back in almost a whisper.

"And?"

"And Patrick, that isn't all you feel, is it?"

Patrick stares at him and then shakes his head.

"No. I miss Angela and Charlotte. When I read to Austin or throw Maddy around, I feel like I'm betraying her, and betraying Angela and what we built together. To me I only lost them a short time ago. The pain is so real, it feels like it's cutting me in two. Sometimes I can hardly breathe. And I killed them."

"And you killed him."

"Yes I killed a man. It repelled me at first, the thought that I was capable of squeezing the life out of man. Do you know that's how I did it? I choked him with my bare hands."

"And now?"

"And now?"

"You said, at first it repelled you."

"Then I thought about my wife and daughter butchered. They were innocent and yet he cut them up. And he did it to many more. He was a monster, not a man. I want to remember it, I want to remember how it felt, feel that satisfaction. I want to do it all over again."

The doctor nods his head, and changes subjects again.

"Have you remembered anything Patrick?"

Patrick shakes his head.

"No, when I hold Austin, it doesn't feel like Charlotte, that's what I'm thinking as this little boy, a great little boy, is cuddling up to me, hugging me. I'm thinking it's not Charlotte."

Patrick is stating at his hands as he rubs them against each other.

"He knows I'm not the same daddy he knew before the injury, I told him that there's stuff I've forgotten, but he won't know that I don't remember him."

"You have a lot going on Patrick. You have to be patient. Chances are good the memories will come back."

Patrick looks up at him.

"And if they don't?"

"Then you'll have to decide what you want to do. But don't rush it and don't give up. It'll take time. You say you want your family back, and that's good. They're still there Patrick, you haven't lost them, you have to find a way to connect back with them and that's not dependant on regaining your memories. Chances are you won't get them all back."

Patrick leans back against the couch and looks up at the ceiling in thought. The doctor gives him a little time before asking his next question.

"Tell me about your dreams."

"My dreams?"

"Yes, not your aspirations, but what you're dreaming about at night."

Patrick shakes his head.

"I dream about my childhood, about traveling the carni circuit. Angela was in it once, but I've not dreamed about Charlotte or about any thing connected with the time I've lost….except.."

"Except, after learning about Red John, he was in my dreams. He wore a mask, there was no face and I was tied to a chair. There was blood, I could smell it. I was frightened at first and then angry. He talked to me and touched me, like I was someone who was dear to him. It was frightening, and sickening, I woke up."

"Do you know where you were?"

"No, it's wasn't a place familiar to me, it seemed a big space. There was a bright light.. Strange thing was I was wearing a waistcoat with my suit. Don't know where that came from, I didn't wear them before and I don't where them now."

Patrick looks up at the doctor and notices the change in demeanor as his fingers are busy on his tablet..

"What is it doc? I've I said something significant?"

"You've remembered something Patrick."

He hands him the tablet and there, filling the screen, Patrick see's himself in a three-piece suit.

"It's what you wore when you worked at the CBI"


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's notes: Thank you to all you lovely people who take the time to review, it's very much appreciated, and thank you for the follows and favs and to everyone reading this story. **

The door finally opens once more and Teresa looks up from the magazine she's not been reading. The doctor steps out the door and looks towards her.

"Come join us Mrs. Jane."

"Please call me Teresa."

The doctor nods his head and Teresa lays the magazine back on the stack lying on the table beside her. She picks up her purse and stands, automatically straightening her top as she does so. The doctor stands aside as she enters the room. She sees her husband's sitting on the couch and she sits down next to him. He looks at her and gives her a small smile. The doctor has sat down and waits while Teresa's settled, watching the interaction between the Janes. The awkwardness of the physical nature of their relationship is not hard to miss, especially with the wife as she instinctively reaches for his hand and then pulls it back. He saw the darkness cross Patrick's eyes as he witnessed it. Teresa looks at him expectantly. The doctor clears his throat.

"Patrick and I have had a good session, talking about the issues that he's facing and it ended on a very positive note by discovering that he's remembered something."

Teresa eyes light up and she turns to Patrick excited.

"How come you didn't tell me?"

Patrick rears back and shrugs. The doctor comes to his rescue.

"He didn't realise that that's what happened. It was a dream he had last night. It's only a small thing Teresa and it doesn't mean the rest of his memory will return quickly.

Teresa nods at the doctor and tries to dampen her excitement and not get her hopes up, but she can't help it. The news is so much better than she ever expected.

"He dreamt last night of being held captive by a man in a mask, he was tied to a chair."

"Did he do anything to him?"

Patrick answers:

"No he just talked to me and touched me."

"This may seem like a strange question but how were you tied to the chair?"

"That was really weird. There was saran wrap all over me."

"That happened to you. Patrick."

"Red John held me captive?"

"No, it was some college kids, they were going to kill you as part of some perverse movie and Red John saved you."

Patrick slumps back against the couch.

"He saved me? How?"

Teresa looks down at her hands and then at her husband.

"He killed them."

"The kids?"

She nods.

Patrick retreats into his thoughts, He's pulling at an imaginary thread on the leather sofa. He turns to Teresa.

"Who's Kristina Fry?"

"She was a woman we came across during an investigation, you dated her once. She taunted Red John and he kidnapped her."

Patrick looks at her fearfully.

"Did he kill her as well."

Teresa shifts uncomfortably.

"No he didn't, he did something to her mind, she's in a mental institution in California, believing she's dead."

Patrick seems to sink even further into the couch.

"He did what?"

He shakes his head.

"What kind of life did I have? I don't know if I want to remember."

He stands up and quickly leaves the room. Teresa stands to go after him, but the doctor stops her.

"I think it's best if he's left alone for a while. I'd like a few words with you, if that's okay?"

Teresa stops midstride. She looks at the closed door and then at the doctor, who encouragingly nods his head towards the couch. Teresa lets out a sigh and sits back down, perching herself on the edge.

"Thank you Teresa."

The doctor looks kindly at her.

"I really think I should go after him."

"I don't think so Teresa, I can tell that there's something about this that bothers you."

"I'm just concerned for Patrick, it was a distressing time for him, it sent him off the rails a little, he pulled away from me."

The doctor looks at her closely.

"It's more than that Teresa, you almost seem angry. This is your opportunity to talk about it. I'm here to help you, as much as I'm here to help Patrick."

Teresa looks between him and the door and the doctor fears she will choose the door.

"Come on Teresa you must need someone to talk to."

Finally Teresa shoves herself towards the back of the couch.

"Now tell me what really bothers you about what Patrick remembered."

Teresa looks to the ceiling and then at the doctor, he sees the moment she decides to talk to him.

"It's great that he's remembered something, but it's Red John. Not me, or the children, Red John."

"Red John was a huge part of his life, for a long time."

Teresa's eyes flash angrily.

"I was a part of his life during that time and beyond. That man put him through hell, made his life a living nightmare, sent him places a person should never go. I kept him sane. Supported him through it all, despite how badly he treated me sometimes. I understood, knew he had this need inside of himself and I hoped to save him from himself."

Tears prick Teresa's eyes.

"I was the one who found him there, who smelt the blood and expected to find him dead. I cut him free of that stupid saran wrap and let him lean on me to leave that horror house he'd been trapped in."

She's shaking her head.

"Yet he remembers Red John!"

"Patrick has no control over what he'll remember and when, and it has no meaning on what's important to him. He wants to remember you and his children, This may be the only thing he ever remembers or it may be the doorway to him remembering everything."

Teresa's nodding her head, not looking at the doctor.

"What I'm trying to say Teresa is that, it doesn't matter what he remembers first, we can only go with him, go with him wherever it takes him. If he knows how this has affected you, it may shut down his memories for good."

Teresa nods her head and lifts her eyes to him.

"He wants to go to California and visit his first wife and daughter's grave."

"Then go with him, California is where most of his memories lie, it could be good for him."

She stands up.

"I'm going to find him."

The doctor nods and stands also and walks to the door, opening it.

"Are you sure you're okay."

"Thank you I'm fine now, what you said makes sense, I'm just a bit overwhelmed with it all."

"I understand, and don't feel bad, this is a very difficult thing you have to deal with."

"Goodbye doctor."

"Don't make another appointment until you get back from California."

"Thank you."

Teresa shakes his hand.

"Good luck Teresa."

Teresa eventually finds him outside on a bench, holding a takeaway cup of tea in his hands, staring at his feet. She slowly sits down beside him.

"Are you okay?"

"I guess. I'm sorry for walking out, it's a lot to take in. I can't believe that happened to me. It sounds awful."

"Our job was to catch murderers and sometimes things got a bit hairy, and you especially had a talent for getting in the middle of it."

A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

"I have always been good at getting in to trouble."

She chokes a laugh.

"I quickly found that out. It was a mystery to many as to why I kept you around."

Patrick looks at her in surprise.

"You were my boss?"

"Yes I headed the team."

He looks closely at her and slowly shakes his head in confusion.

"How did I miss that? I thought we were more partners."

"I'm not your boss anymore, we're equals now."

"Ahhh. That explains it."

The tone and expression of relief at not losing his touch brings back memories to Teresa that tug at her, bring a wistful feeling of those times in the CBI. Patrick catches it.

"Are you okay?"

She smiles at him.

"I'm fine, The doctor thinks it's a good idea for you to go back to California and visit Angela and Charlotte's grave, it's where you spent a large part of your life, it just might help."

Patrick returns her smile.

"Good. Will you come too?"

"I'd love too."


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's notes: Thank you for all your wonderful reviews, your support is most welcome and appreciated. Thank you for the follows and fav's too and for reading. I hope you like this chapter.**

Austin is in Patrick's arms and Teresa has Maddy as they make their way to the baggage claim area. Teresa looks across at Patrick, he seem to be doing okay, he's pointing out planes to Austin and he must have said something funny as Austin breaks in to laughter and Patrick has a wide grin on his face. He catches her looking.

"You two seemed to have a good time on the plane?"

"Yes we did. We had a philosophical discussion on the benefits of insects as pets. Austin is all for them, and says that people are down on them too much."

Austin gains interest in the conversation.

"What do you think mommy, can I have an insect as a pet?"

Teresa takes the time to answer slowly, as if she's giving it some serious thought.

"I think insects make a great contribution to the world and I agree, that far too many people misunderstand them, but I don't think they'll work well as pets. Insects like to be free to live their own life."

Austin's mouth turns downwards.

"That's what Daddy said."

Teresa nods a thank you to Patrick. As they enter the baggage claim Patrick put Austin down, whose eyes have grown wide at the sight of the carousels.

"You stay here with mommy, buddy while I get our bags."

"I want to help daddy."

Patrick looks at his pleading eyes and holds out his hand to him.

"Okay, you can point out the bags to me, but don't try to grab them because it's dangerous, even if it looks like I'm going to miss one, because it'll come around again. Promise?"

"I promise daddy."

Patrick and Austin return with a trolley full of bags and a car seats.

"Right let's go."

Patrick takes charge of the children while Teresa hires a car. The children are restless after the hours on the plane and Patrick is holding races with them. Thankfully the line at the car rental isn't very long and soon they're out in the blinding sun, and climbing into the car, after fastening the car seats. Teresa puts the address in to the sat nav. and they're on their way.

Jane looks out the window, this is where he spent many of his forgotten years and he's hoping that something will seem familiar to him, but it's just blank. Half an hour later Teresa is pulling the car into a driveway. Patrick looks at the house, it's a neat single story residence, blue in colour with a white trim. The dark wood door opens and a striking woman of around forty-five is walks out to greet them. This is someone he knows too.

Teresa puts the car in park and they both get out the car and help the children out of their seats. This time Patrick has Maddy, who fell asleep during the ride after being awake during the entire flight. She's only mildly disturbed by being removed from the car and is back to sleep in his arms.

Teresa gives the woman a hug, who then turns to Patrick and nods.

"Good to see you Patrick, it's been a long time. I'm sorry to hear about what's happened to you and I hope you find the answers you need."

Since she knew Patrick, apparently he's worked for her in his past, she knows what's happened so she would understand when he acted differently around her.

"Thank you, I appreciate your help."

"It's the least I can do, you gave me my life back and made my children safe."

Madeline Hightower, shows them into the house. Patrick stands still, processing what she said, wondering what he did. Teresa turns and looks at him.

"Are you all right?"

Her voice brings him out of his thoughts and he smiles.

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

Jane shrugs.

"Yea…I mean…what she said…..I was…I was just wondering what I'd done for her?"

Teresa looks at him intently.

"Patrick it helped a lot of people when you killed Red John."

"Him!"

"Madeline has a cot ready for Maddy."

"Okay."

Teresa and Patrick enter the house.

Maddy is sleeping in the cot and Will and Mimi have taken charge of Austin and are in the back garden. The adults are in the living room nursing cups of coffee for Teresa and Madeline, and tea for Patrick, in their hands.

"It's great to see you guys, and your family, the children are lovely."

Teresa smiles at the compliment.

"Thank you, Austin can be hard to keep up with at times.."

Madeline looks at Patrick.

"I can imagine, but you've had plenty of practise."

"How did I give you your life back and help your children?"

Teresa looks at Patrick.

"This isn't the time Patrick, I'll tell you the story, but it's a long one and not one that Madeline's children need to hear again."

Patrick lifts his hand apologetically.

"I'm sorry, of course."

Madeline smiles reassuringly at him.

"That's quite all right Patrick, I can't imagine what this must be like for you, for the both of you."

Patrick raises his eyebrows

"It's not fun."

"I hope this visit is helpful for you."

"Well I'm visiting the graves of my wife and daughter tomorrow, I'm not sure how I feel about that."

Teresa, fuelled by embarrassment and pain, speaks sharply:

"Patrick."

He looks at her and turns to Madeline.

"I'm sorry that was rude. I'm just a little anxious about it all.."

He turns back to Teresa.

"I'm sorry, I..I…"

He stands up abruptly.

"I think I hear Maddy, I'll take her into the kitchen and give her something to eat, if that's all right."

Madeline answers:

"That's fine Patrick, make yourself at home."

He makes his way to Maddy's room, he notices his hand's trembling as he opens the bedroom door. Maddy stops crying at the sound of the door opening.

"Hi Maddy, yea it's okay."

Her tear-stained face looks up at him and she breaks into a smile, lifting her arms up for him to pick her up. He lifts her into his arms and she wraps her arms around his neck, he gives her a hug, closing his eyes and just letting the feel of her soft body against him, her tiny fingers tickling his neck, and the smell of baby powder fill his senses, while pushing everything else away.

Madeline and Teresa watch him go. Madeline looks at Teresa with concern.

"I tried to imagine what it would be like, he really doesn't remember any of us. To have known him and have him look at me as a stranger is weird. I'm really sorry Teresa, it must be so hard for you. I know you're a strong woman but this…"

Teresa shakes her head against the emotions that Madeline's words bring to the surface.

"I've cried many tears, believe me. But at least he's here. There were a few hours when I thought I was going to lose him. I don't know what's going to happen, I'm holding on to the hope that his memory will return, but that may not happen, and I have to prepare for that. I have to make it so he doesn't want to leave, because this is better than not having him at all."

"No matter what happens he has to make a life for himself. I've never known two people love each other and were meant for each other like you two. That's still in him somewhere and if anyone can help him find it it's you."

Teresa nods her head and wipes at the tears in her eyes.

"Thank you for everything."

"It's my pleasure."

Teresa stands up.

"I think it's time to get Austin a bath and ready for bed. Maddy I fear could be up for a while."


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's notes: Thank you to everyone for your reviews, follows and favs. I really appreciate all your support. I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

Teresa comes out of the bathroom to find Patrick laying some pillows on the floor.

"What are you doing?"

"There's only one bed."

Teresa looks at him, her heart twisting inside.

"Is that what you want?"

"I thought it's what you would want?"

Teresa picks up the pillows and places them on the bed.

"There's no need to sleep on the floor, this bed's more than big enough."

"Are you sure?"

"Patrick, I only put you in a different room for your sake, I thought it would be better for you."

She fingers the deep blue quilt, looking at it as if it's the most important thing in the world.

"I don't mind you sharing my bed….I…I miss you."

She continues quickly:

"It will just be nice to feel you next to me, and hear you breathing."

She looks up at him.

"If you don't mind. I'm not asking anything of you."

Patrick nods in understanding, he remembers how much he hated being out of town and sleeping without Angela next to him, the bed seemed so big and empty.

"I don't mind. I just…I just…"

He shrugs.

"…just thought you would want it that way."

She smiles weakly at him.

"Thank you for being so thoughtful and willing to sacrifice a night's sleep, as I don't think you would have gotten much on that hard floor."

He responds with a crooked smile.

"Probably not."

"Madeline's taking the children to Fairyland while we go to the cemetery."

"Will it be all right leaving Maddy with, who to her, is a stranger? She's pretty young."

"Yea, I think so, she's used to day care. Madeline has my number if there's a problem."

Teresa pulls back the covers.

"I can go on my own if it'll be easier."

She stops what she's doing and looks at him.

"Is that what you want?"

He slowly shakes his head.

"I was thinking of Maddy."

"Madeline's really good with kids, I trust her with their lives, and Mimi's not in school tomorrow so she's going along."

Patrick's nodding.

"Good."

He pulls back the covers and climbs in to bed and Teresa follows. He lays down and gets up on his elbow, turning around to puff up his pillows some more. He lays down again and repeats the process, this time punching the pillows down and puffing them back up. Teresa lays on her side facing him and watches, knowing the routine well. He hates strange pillows, she'd taken the ones he'd used off her bed and put them on the bed in the guest room. For a man who's spent many nights in hotel/motel rooms, and couches, he's very fussy about his pillows. After the fifth time he lays down with a grunt. He looks over to her as if he's just remembered she's there. He gives her an embarrassed smile.

"Sorry about that."

"That's okay. Are you comfortable?"

"Not really."

She replies knowingly:

"Tomorrow will be better."

"I'll try not to snore."

"Don't worry about it, you don't snore. You told me that you trained yourself not to, all that sleeping on the couch in the office."

He puts his arms behind his head and looks at her.

"I sound like I was an ideal employee."

She smiles at him.

"Something like that."

"Do you snore?"

Teresa looks aghast.

"No, I do not!"

Patrick holds his hands up in surrender.

"Sorry, obviously a touchy subject."

He looks at her questioningly.

"I wonder why. Obviously hit on a sore spot."

He looks more closely at her.

"You do something when you sleep…mmm…you talk in your sleep…Yes..Oh and something else.."

Teresa looks away.

"No there isn't.

Patrick shrugs.

"Well I guess I'm about to find out."

"Hush, or you're back on the floor."

Patrick gets up on to his elbow and looks at her intently, she begins to squirm under his gaze.

"What?"

Patrick lays his head back down on to his pillow.

"Nothing. What time are we leaving tomorrow?"

"I thought around ten, traffic should be a little easier then."

Teresa moves on to her back, bringing up tomorrow changes the mood. She'd been enjoying the banter, it was almost like…..she doesn't allow herself to finish the sentence as tears threaten.

Patrick can tell from her breathing that the change in subject has upset her. He closes his eyes feeling like a heel. Why had he done that? Why had he panicked? It had been nice, talking to her, teasing her had felt easy. Looking at her she was relaxed, for the first time the pain was missing. It was replaced with love, she was looking at him the way she must usually look at him. It made her look more beautiful than usual. The thought shocked him, he didn't know where that thought came from, but there was no denying it, her eyes were alive, dancing as she teased him. They were mesmerizing even, when he tried to turn away, he found he didn't want to.

So he'd changed the subject, used his dead family, he can be such a jerk sometimes. He tunes into her breathing, it's steadier now, but still not relaxed. He pictures her with her eyes closed, her dark eyelashes laying delicately on her cheeks. He has to stop this, he's visiting his dead wife's grave tomorrow and his child. But he can't ignore that she's there next to him, just a few inches away. He can feel her body heat, her breathing, just that little bit lighter than his. He realises that he's unconsciously been trying to match his breathing with hers. If he moves his hand off his chest and stretched his fingers out, he would be able to touch her. He feels her move, she turns on to her side away from him, it feels like there's a chasm between them now. He turns on his side away from her too, hoping he can forget she's there. He closes his eyes and wonders if he'll fall asleep tonight.

Teresa doesn't know which is worse being so close to him, or so far away. They always fell asleep with her head on his chest and his arm around her shoulders. She would listen to the rhythm of his breathing, once they'd grown silent, and it would send her to sleep. Sometime during the night she would roll off and then he would curl up next to her, spooning without actually touching, as if he can't stay away from her, but knows he mustn't crowd her, so she can sleep.

She needs to get to sleep. Who knows what will happen tomorrow, he thinks he's visiting his family's graves but he's also visiting the place where he killed Red John.

She feels him move, adjusting his posture. The distance causes an ache in her stomach. She wants to move back, put her arms around his waist, lay her cheek against his back, feel his heat, his firm body against hers, letting her know that everything will be all right. She wonders if she should have just let him sleep on the floor.


End file.
